The first time I found out about my HIV

The end of innocence

It was  Easter 2009, the nurse called and said she found nothing wrong with me internally. Then she moved on to say that they did find the presence of  HIV in my blood. I could have just died on the spot.  I was at my best friends house when they called. I was just there sitting at her computer looking at random things to pass the time, as she cooked.  I asked the nurse if she was joking, if maybe they got it wrong and was pulling my leg. Obviously this is a professional person on the phone here, I thought to my self. How could she have possibly gotten it wrong. I continued to cry while she was giving me the news. She then asked me to come down to the clinic right away. I hung up the phone and called my friend while crying and asked her to come along with me, I explained to her I had just found out I have HIV.

The beginning of the end of  innocence

The week before the Easter holidays, I went to visit my best friend. She asked me to be her company to go to the women's clinic to get a check up.  Of course there was nothing to worry about… as I thought I had been safe with my sexual encounters, considering there was so few.  And when I chose sleeping partners I chose close friends not random strangers. Back to the story at hand, my friend suggested I got test too, I had no objections as I thought I was a ok. My friends’ appointment was before mine so I had  a long wait, sitting there just reading the magazines the staff had put out. Nothing of consequence ran through my mind, just humming to myself. Finally it was my turn. I went in to  give my blood for the test, then the nurse told me I would have to wait a week. There was no problem what so ever still humming to myself.

Continuation of the end of innocence

After the call we went to the clinic where I spoke to the doctor. He told me that having HIV is similar to having diabetes. At that time I did not think about that comment but now it is comforting to me. He explained how I could live a normal life but just with this extension (gift). He spoke and spoke but I really could not hear to be honest. At one point in time I started looking around to see who he was talking to, this is no joke! It was all so hard to process. My friend was sitting there in the office crying her eyes out along with me. I am a strong person so I tried not to cry in front of them to show weakness. I did not want to seem weak hearted, but tears are normal.

After leaving the clinic I had a rush come over me. I decide right there and then that I needed to have a baby. Need to leave something as a reminder of me being here. Many things ran through my head. There was so much contemplation about the mortality of  life. I thought about boyfriends and how I could possibly have a normal relationship.

The day I found out was also my sister’s birthday, it was hard for me to do but I called her straight away. We had gotten into an argument the week before and were not on good terms. I remember leaving her house after our disagreement, sitting on the bus and a thought ran across my mind. The thought was about being ill, I thought “it’s amazing if I found out I had cancer and told her she would treat me differently”. They really say be careful what you wish for, though I did not consciously wish that on myself.  And then, I just happened to have  an illness. It shows that sometimes a random thought can have some truth in it. My sister cried and cried on the phone and weeks after that. She did tell me that was the worst news ever.

The realisation of  hope and optimism

I did not see it at the time that I would grow to have hope and be optimistic about living. I realised that day that the order in which things happen, really do happen for a reason. If my friend had not asked me to accompany her to the clinic, I most likely would not have gone as I thought I was not in danger.  And it all happened at the perfect time too. I just want to say to everyone believe in yourself and what you can accomplish. The universe/god could throw many things at you but you have to be like the fern plant resilient and ever hopeful of new things. Please remember that this is not the end of you and as we all share our stories we will grow as people.